i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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