Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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