i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
