Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
