my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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