Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
did i walk over a car last night?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
