my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Randomize
