I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize