I wanna bring you to show and tell
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
