if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
