Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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