You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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