I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I wear drunk well.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
