We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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