alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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