Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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