I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
