i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize