Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
