He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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