haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So gin and wine won't be happening again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
