He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
