one word: firstdatebathroomanal
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
