Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
