i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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