omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Someone shit on the floor
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
