I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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