Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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