He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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