I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
