my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
