Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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