weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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