Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There's always time for handjobs
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
