Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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