seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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