ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We had sex on a dog bed..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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