Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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