i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize