70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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