I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize