One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
