question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize