it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
