he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
