What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
