Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
