Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
