that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
