well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
