I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
