I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
