I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
