this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
