someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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