put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
