if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
