cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
