After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
